i'm not going home...

it's 4am, and i don't feel like going home yet.

the last month i've barely written to you all, and for that, i apologize my lovelies.
it's not that i don't care about you,
it's just that...
well,
shti's been going on.

we applied for a videofact grant.
we didn't get it.
of course not.
fuck it.
as soon as alexis mails me the power cord for my video camera,
i'll make my own damn music videos for free and put them on the internet.
fuck muchmusic.

i sent my book to the publisher and i haven't heard back from them yet,
so i'm assuming they either think it sucks,
or are just too busy to get back to me.
we'll see.

i got my video footage back,
finally,
from my homies mike and tim in montreal (thanks guys!),
and made copies,
and sent it to my homie mark in toronto.
so hopefully we'll get on top of that and get this damn movie finished...
i should hopefully have a clip to show you soon...
but maybe not.

and the indie label in toronto that said they were going to distribute our album this summer...
well,
i haven't heard back from them for a while,
so i don't know what's going on with that...

so, basically,
maybe this summer i'll have the album out,
and book out,
and documentary out.

maybe not.

i hate being in limbo.
i just want to know.

for those of you who were reading about the hell i was going through in february (newbies can scroll down...),
i'm doing a bit better now,
but shit, it's still ups and downs,
you know?

i think right now,
i'm mourning the loss of my best friend.
in february, i was fucked up about a girl i thought i loved.
shit, maybe i did.
who knows?
now, i find myself sad about losing somebody who i thought i'd be close to forever...
even if we weren't "together,"
i thought we'd be tight...

in january,
i had sent her something in the mail,
before i knew she had moved...
and it finally was "returned to sender" a couple of weeks ago.
it was an unexpected little surprise in my day.
like peeling off a scab,
of a wound that i thought was almost healed,
revealing more raw and bloody flesh.

it's a strange feeling,
when you're close to somebody,
and you feel like,
no matter what happens,
you'll always be close...
maybe in a differnent kind of way,
but still close.

and then shit goes down in a way that you just don't think you can ever quite see through.
and you find out that somebody you thought you knew,
really well,
is a completely different person than you thought they were...
and you feel lied to,
you feel abandoned,
you feel tricked,
hoodwinked,
bamboozled,
and it's almost like,
even though the physical person is still alive,
that they've died...

because the person you knew,
no longer lives.
and maybe,
you wonder,
they might not have ever existed.

it's a bit much at times,
because you find yourself wishing this person was still a part of your life,
but then, again, you realize the person you want to be a part of your life doesn't exist.

and it feels strange,
that somebody who claimed to care about you...
how quickly they can simply erase you from their life,
like you never existed...

and you wonder,
do they think about you ever?
do they wonder how you're doing?
what you're up to?

or are you just another distant memory,
fading into a past that is already mostly forgotten?

and will they become that to you?

and you know that they will.

and it sucks.

and you miss your friend.