just when you've had enough...

and you can't take it anymore,
and you're absolutely going to lose your mind,
and you're screaming...

the gods,
they give you a moment,
just one moment,
a moment,
and it's all you need...

and you know,
you'll be okay,
it will take time,
but you can see it now,
and you still feel...

gimme 5 feet...

i've been trying to get in the habit of writing something on here every day, just to force myself to write. it hasn't happened. i've been in a sort of psychological and emotional coma for the last few weeks. i just keep repeating the same thoughts and feelings over and over and over again and again and again. i can't stop thinking about her. part of my mind keeps attempting to be rational, keeps trying to tell itself that i will be okay, that all i need is time, that eventually, the mornings will be easier, that i won't wake up each day already thinking about her before my eyes open, that the nights will get easier, that i won't lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, which becomes little more than a movie screen on which my mind projects random images of a past that i can't forget, a present that i can't accept, and a future that i refuse to accept can no longer exist. i've written her a million things, told her everything, and i can't expect her to change. i was wrong. i was so wrong. i made all the wrong decisions, for what i thought were the right reasons. stupid, stupid, stupid, me. the other part of my mind doesn't even believe this is happening, believes in everything we used to be, believes that we're still supposed to be those things. this is so hard. the hardest pain i've been through in i don't know how long.

i finally finished my book today. i took about a month longer than it should have, only because my brain simply couldn't focus or concentrate for the last few weeks. i would sit down at my computer to work, and hours would go by, all i would do is re-read her old emails, look at pictures, write a million emails to her i would never send (and a dozen or two i would send), and go outside to smoke every five minutes.

so many friends have been there for me in the last couple of weeks, i sincerely thank you all. without you, i might have died.

a friend (who shall remain anonymous) sent me this email:

"hey ryan:
i want you to know that you've just passed thru a major mental portal
30th birthdays are total mind fucks - and create a paradigm shift in
the way you see the world
and your entire life
mine flipped me the fuck out; i bought my house, quit my job and
fucked like 10 guys the month I turned 30

don't sweat the ex
your timing was off, that's all
no matter how much love and respect is there you can't do anything to
change those fucking timing problems
the cogs of that wheel are deep in the universe, and we're crazy to
think we can change them
and therefore you can't let yourself get too carried away by those
"what ifs"
because they are illusions, created by your mind
and they are like the sirens in old greek myths: they take you away
from your true path and crash you into the rocks

you're gifted and one of the special ones
you're sensitive, and artistic, and can feel more deeply than most
it's really hard work to see that

but you're lucky: all this pain just shows you how much and how
deeply you can feel
other people have no idea: they have 1cm of depth, and you have like
5 feet
remember newton's law of physics?
"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction"
you are eventually feel as chest bursting happy as you feel shitty now
and lucky you; because you're going to be able to feel joy and big
happiness in a way that most others don't

love
-*****"

thanks. yeah, it's hard to think about those things now. hard to remember that happiness is possible. i mean, yeah, you know it's there, and you know from experience that you'll feel it again, but damn, a month of this and i still feel like crap everyday. just going through this endless fog where i can't seem to think or feel anything other than...

you're right thought, i wouldn't trade being able to feel for anything in the world. i feel sorry for those who either aren't able or aren't willing to explore and experience their feelings as deeply as possible, as much as it can drive you crazy.

they're just photos after all...

"too much on my mind, got too much on my mind."
-leaders of the new school

so many things swirling around in my head right now, it's hard to deal with it all.

i hadn't heard from her in a couple of weeks. i had sent her a bunch of emails. i had told her everything. i had had more dreams. she emailed me back yesterday. i took her picture off my wall today. it's a lot to take.

my lease is up in three months. i'm trying to decide what to do. stay in london? toronto? i'm really not sure.

i have all these things to be happy about... the ok cobra album will finally see a release this summer. in another week i will start booking shows for the summer, across canada in july, europe in august. i should be excited about this. i will be. eventually. it will take time. i'm almost finished my book. it will be out this summer as well. i should be excited about this. i will be. eventually. it will take time.

i'm not sure if i'll stay in london. it's a decent, quiet little city. i'm able to get a lot of work done here. i don't hate my job. i'm making okay money. not great, but okay. rent is cheap. i wouldn't mind being back in toronto. there is more going on there. more opportunity for creative projects. not sure i want to deal with the madness though. i've considered moving to europe. my mom was born in england, so i've looked into getting a work visa for the uk, which shouldn't be a problem. i really don't know. it's difficult to imagine moving across the ocean, when you fall apart just getting out of bed.

i guess i've got a couple of months to decide.

for now, i'm just saving up money to buy a studio microphone and a protools mbox, so i can record. i've written so many songs lately. i need to get them out. i've just ordered a roll of canvas, i've got a zillion sketches and drawings, ideas for paintings. i need to get them out.

a thousand miles away, and she's a million miles away.

okay, back to my book, i need to get it done.

ryan somers

harold...

(photo from zoo york.)

from the new york post...

February 18, 2006 -- A skateboarder who appeared in the controversial 1995 movie "Kids" was found dead in his Lower East Side apartment yesterday of an apparent cocaine overdose, cops said.

Harold Hunter, 31, who performed stunts in Larry Clark's film about an HIV-positive skateboarder, was discovered by his brother at 4 p.m. in his East 13th Street apartment, police.

Cops said they retrieved cocaine from "on and around the body."

"He was saying stuff like, 'When I die I'm going to be famous,' " said Hunter's sister Rebecca Atkins."

this is an interview i did with harold for my old 'zine, years ago. it is going to appear in my book as well.

naomi's new party...

more devin photos...

photos by jesse foster.



devin the dude.



dj butter and fritz tha cat.



timbuktu (toolshed).



choke (toolshed).



devin's doobie ashtray.



fritz tha cat.



fritz tha cat and drue (on stage), uwo dancers (on floor).



psyborg (toolshed).



dj rapid ric.

totally wired...

http://www.myspace.com/totallywiredtuesdays

photos from the devin show...

devin the dude and fritz tha cat.

the show was on sunday night, and i have to say, it was one of the most memorable nights for me in a long time. after everything i've been going through lately, it was the most welcome of distractions. it was devin the dude, dj rapid ric, my man matt sonzala (good to finally meet you in person dude!), and this writer cat lance who was on the road with them, doing a story on devin. if you were there, you were there. if you weren't, i could write a thousand words and you wouldn't understand. one thing i can say, is that i've dealt with a ton of artists over the years, and i have say, devin is THE most chill dude you could probably ever meet. he was super-appreciative of everybody who came out to see him, wanted to kick it for a photo or autograph, or whatever. truly, a class act. i want to thank everybody who was involved, from devin and matt and ric and lance, to my partner josh, to the sponsors, andrew and everyone at the alex p., toolshed, butter, and especially everybody who came out and had a good time and partied with us. we almost broke even, but i didn't do it for the money, i did it because it just felt right...

now, on to the photos...



a photo from the in-store at grooves records.



josh and myself outside of the venue.



my man dj neoteric (thanks for all your help dude!).



dj butter (the butcher).



the uwo dancers, who came through to set it off with a routine.



unfortunately, they all had to leave early to write exams the next morning.



toolshed.



dj rapid ric killed it.



from the stage, juse before devin went on.









devin and ric.



the dude.



mattsoreal.





devin and ric.



my homegirl jess.



lance.









devin signs and autograph.



matt, devin, lance, josh, me...

devin in the free press...

they did a story on devin in yesterday's london free press.

30...

today is my 30th birthday.

this is most definitely, without question, the worst birthday i've ever had.

i woke up this morning, and didn't even remember it was my birthday for at least an hour.
that has never happened.

this morning i awoke from a dream.
the dream was about her.
if you've read any of my previous dreams,
you know that i often have premonitions in my dreams.
the gods speak to me, often in my sleep.

11 days ago, i had a dream.
about her.
the dream told me about her reality.
it was not until days later when she was able to confirm what my dreams had already revealed.

last night, i had a happy dream about her.

i will not go into detail here, as the dream was very personal.
but it was lovely.
and then i woke up.
and immediately, once i realized i was awake, and realized it was a dream, i wished i could fall back asleep.
i lay in bed for a long time,
replaying the dream, over and over, in my mind.
trying to feel again all the happiness i had felt in my sleep.

of course,
this only served to make myself miserable.
to feel so good in sleep,
then wake up to another in a string of the most painful days of my life.

i put on my clothes and walked to get coffee.
crying uncontrollably.
avoiding people in the street, tears freezing in my eyelashes.

it was only on my walk home,
coffee in hand,
still crying,
that i remembered it was my birthday.

happy birthday to me.
i'm thirty years old.
and this is, without question, the worst birthday of my life.

i was supposed to go to toronto tonight.
i was supposed to perform at the devin the dude show.
i was walking to the bus station to buy my ticket.
i felt sick.
i have not been able to eat in a week.
i have lost, i would guess, 10 or 15 pounds.
i started to feel nauseated.
i was shaking, my legs and arms were trembling.
i began to feel dizzy.
i started to vomit.
i have not - as i said - been able to eat in a week.
i puked nothing but water, coffee, and stomach juices.
i could barely stand up.
i somehow managed to make it home,
where i fell to pieces.

at one point on the walk home,
for a brief couple of seconds,
i somehow managed to be thankful.
i was thankful that i was finally able to feel pure, total, complete, honest, and true love for somebody.

of course, this was immediately followed by the realization that it was too late.

that i had blown every opportunity to save this love.

that i had listened to my mind, instead of my heart.
and when my mind finally quieted enough for me to hear what my heart had been saying all along,
it was too late.

too late.

i am a fool.

and it's my birthday.
i am thirty today.
and again, this is, without question, the worst birthday of my life.

happy birthday to me...

i won't be in toronto tonight... sorry...

i was at the bus station, about to buy my tickets, and i started puking in the bathroom. i've been sick all week, i haven't been eating, and everything just hurts...

i'm sorry. i really want to be there.

happy birthday to me.

i love you all, truly, i do.

ryan

RIP J Dilla...

saturday night in toronto...

devin the dude is playing at reverb.
if you're not there, i don't know what you're thinking.
i'm also performing... just got added to the show... but i have to go on super early... 9:30pm sharp!
so, yeah, if you're coming, come out early...
it won't be much fun if the only person i'm rapping to is the guy sweeping the floor.

also, it's my birthday.
i'm 30 years old.
happy birthday to me...

yay.

30...

i will be thirty years old tomorow. i wake up and she's all i think about.

dizzy...

the messed up thing is that, at the time, she was willing to work through everything, to figure out a way to make it work. i thought it would be too painful, i thought it would make more sense to break apart. love doesn't think. what was i doing thinking? now it's all come back to rip me apart like a thousand razor sharp boomerangs, a fate of my own making.

i haven't eaten in five days. or slept more than a couple of hours a night. i'm a wreck. my eyes are black. my skin is loose. my spine is in rigor mortis. i finally ate a little bit of salad this morning, but i don't think it's going to stay down.

i finally spoke to her yesterday. i won't tell you about that conversation, except to say, that at one point, i could see her smiling, and while it made me happy, it also felt like swallowing poison. i wrote some things in my journal last night...

"this is what she needs.
she needs to laugh.
she needs to have a good time.
she needs to relax.
she needs to not have to worry.
she needs to be loved in light.
she needs to be touched in every possible way, and my hands were as weak as my ability to cope.
weak.
my love wasn't honest enough to make it's presence felt behind the clouds.
if only she had the same blessing - the same curse - that i have,
to feel her from a lightyear away.
in my dreams i could feel her life, but she could not feel mine.
i don't expect anyone to, i never expected her to.
the truth - the truth - for the first time i'm telling myself the truth - and it's too late to make a difference.
the girl.
the girl.
the woman.
the love.
the love.
the love.
the truth.
the connection.
what she needs.
she needs laughter.
she needs light.
light as shining and light as feeling.
i hate that this is it.
it seems we never had a chance, but it makes no sense to me,
why did we go through everything we went through?
for this?
no.
there is more.
there is more.
there has to be, or it was pointless.
all of that pain, hardship, torture, only there to test,
to strenghten,
to bond,
to fortify,
to prove,
to prepare.
yes, to prepare.
no, to appreciate.
to appreciate.
the hard times were a service to the good times to follow,
and we both gave up on the promise of the good times.
in so much darkness,
under so much weight,
the impossible seemed - impossible.
i gave up first.
and she gave up the day before i knew i was wrong to give up.
and it was too late.
we have both given in.
her to immediacy, and me to forever.
if only i could have seen forever sooner, when she could see it.
when i finally recognized it's face, it was no longer looking at me.
and for this,
i will suffer,
i will see it's face in everything i look at,
i will make masks in it's image and force them onto the faces of everyone who crosses my path.
i am a fool.
i am the broken bones of an old man, blood poisoned by regret.
i am a family of unborn children, mourning their own deaths as they fade from my imagination.
i am an unwelcome guest in a house in a place i've never been.
i am a telephone number i don't want to know.
i am the voice of the man i despise most in the world,
singing in the shower the sad songs of the knife-makers.
i am ten thousand arrows, fired from the same place into every direction,
slicing the skies into pieces so thin they can no longer support the heavens.
i am a ghost, dreaming that is is alive, dreaming that it is a ghost.
i am every memory made into an endless slideshow, repeating, projecting itself onto my entire world.
i am what pain feels like when it's in pain.
i am the insomniac's morning, as insignificant as the anorexic's bowel movement.
i am a man convinced, willing to die for the right to die fighting.
i am a decaying corpose, seen as a work of art when looked at through a dirty mirror.
i am the end of endings, and it's only the beginning.
i am the first time feeling, thawed blood rushing to the skin of a man who was born cold.
i am a slave named love, once locked in the belly of a cargo ship, through mutiny now captain.
i have now become the thing she thought i was, only after she started thinking.
i am a man made of paper, painting her image on my body, my brush made of matchsticks.
i am the severed hand of a dead man, holding on to the idea that he is still alive."

i all just keeps spinning around and around in my head, it won't stop. i feel dizzy. nauseated.

dude in the eye now...

devin in eye weekly

devin in now

scene...

scene magazine is london's bi-weekly entertainment paper. below you'll find the cover of their latest issue, the interview they did with devin the dude (i know, wrong photo, they messed up, it happens), and our ad.

anger, understanding, and songs...

part of me wants to delete the last couple of posts, because they were written in anger. but i won't delete them. because that's how i felt at the time. i just don't understand.

the good part is, i've had writer's block for the last month or so, and now, i've got a thousand new songs starting to build themselves in my mind. i will be kept busy for the next few months, writing, which is good.

i thank her in advance for the album i'm about to write.

the thing i don't understand is...

can he "feel" her mind like i can? explain to me, how, a thousand miles away, i can know things about her life that she hasn't even told me? how can you explain that? how do my dreams tell me things about her existence before she does? can you explain that? can he do that? of course not. i mean, if he can, then i'll stet right. fuck everything. this is your last chance. take a stand now, for true love, fuck distance and fuck every other factor... if we believe in each other we can make something work... if not... be happy with that new dude and fuck you... don't ever talk to me again... after this, all you're gonna be is a song...

the love of my life...

just moved in with another guy.

i'll explain later.

right now, it's my friend's birthday and i've got a bottle of jack daniels to kill.

fuck her.

the glamorous life...

Condemned rapper Christopher "Cool C" Roney was granted a stay of execution by a Philadelphia, Pennsylvania judge on Wednesday (Feb. 1). The rapper was scheduled to die on Mar. 9 for the 1996 murder of police officer Lauretha Vaird. When Vaird, 43, responded to a silent alarm at a PNC Bank branch in Philadelphia, she was shot in the chest as she entered the bank, according to reports. She was not wearing a bulletproof vest that day. Last month, Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell signed the rapper's execution warrant. But Judge Gary Glazer has issued an order to put Cool C's execution on hold until his post-conviction litigation is resolved.

def just...

coming to toronto...

superlungs my supergirl...

i'm going to start sharing more music on here.

donovan.

superlungs my supergirl.

enjoy.

strange days...

i've been running around crazy for the last two weeks, promoting a show involves a ton of small details. every day i have a list of ten things to do. and i'm lucky if i accomplish five. then i add five more things to the next day's list. i have ten again. i only accomplish five. this goes on and on. tasks compete with each other for my attention and completion. occasionally (often) tasks are put off too long, and become critical. things you originally gave yourself plenty of time to do, suddenly become life and death. such is life...

had a phone conversation today with a guy who owns an indie label who is interested in distributing the ok cobra album. nothing solidified yet, but it's looking good. i'll let you know if/when things are finalized.

also gearing up to apply for a videofact grant to shoot a video for child in rhyme. i would love to do a video for this song. so far, from the feedback we've gotten from people who have heard the album, this is everyone's favorite...

i'm writing another one now with the same lyrical theme/structure. sort of a child in rhyme pt. 2.

i live in a padded room with a skylight,
i've spent all, my life, trying to get, my mind right,
slept through the game, that's cool, i'll catch the highlights,
i'm the zone, now, it's twilight,

and i'm a cat, living the fourth of nine lives,
you do the math, i've, got, time, right?
into the darkest parts of my mind, i'll try to shine light,
i said before, 20/20 is hindsight...

just a little taste. don't bite. (c) 2006 ryan somers, you suckers.

what else can i tell you about?

i've lost over five pounds in less than a week. i'm on day six of my own special diet plan. i did this in early 2003, after i had spent a year working at universal, where i ballooned from 170 to 205 lbs. yeah, i was fat. huge. it was gross. sitting at a desk for ten hours a day, eating fast food, and drinking beer every night. when i left there i made a decision to get thin again. it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. you just have to make a decision and stick to it.

all i did was this...



1. no beer.
(beer is HUGE. every beer you drink is like eating a sandwich. drink 8 beers in a night. you just ate a loaf of bread.)



2. no booze of any kind.
(when you drink, you make bad decisions about food. like eating pizza at 4 in the morning. also, booze = calories.)



3. no eating before you sleep.
(i usually go to bed around 4 or 5 in the morning. so, i don't eat after midnight.)



4. no bread / pasta / potatoes / rice / sweets.
(this is a hard one. i love sandwiches. the rest are easy, i don't eat pasta anyway. eat salad with chicken. every day. only.)



5. drink tons of water.
(those 2L bottles of water? i drink 2-4 of those a day. water cleans you. and makes you not as hungry.)



6. walk. a lot.
(simple. fuck your car. fuck the bus. and fuck taxicabs. walk. c'mon fat ass, it's not that far.)



7. use your muscles.
(you don't have to go to a gym. do 20 push-ups and 20 crunches. doesn't sound like much, but you'll feel it. you'll want to do more.)



8. find productive things to do.
(going to bars when you're not drinking is not fun. your drunk friends will only annoy you. everyone will annoy you.)



9. stick to it.
(it's been a week, i've already lost 5 pounds, i can have one beer. no. you can't. do it all the way to your goal. and a bit more.)

simple. i gained a bit of weight this winter. life's been cushy and i've been lazy. the beer gut will be gone in a month. i'm already 25% of the way there. and it hasn't been difficult at all.

okay. enough of that. time to share some emails i've gotten. i apologize in advance if you didn't want me to post your email up here. no, i won't take it down. i'll just try to remember not to do it again. every once in a while i'll collect a few emails and post 'em up here. on with it...

first up, weird email i got today (names have been changed):

"hello,

i know *****, from a long time ago. i recently looked her up on the internet
because it's been a while and i wanted to know how she was doing. i knew
about ***** and figured she'd most likely be working on some other musical
project by now. i came across your site and read every single blog entry in
one sitting. i really don't know what made me want to write to you, but i
will let you know i debated on it for quite a while. i guess the fact that
we both care about the same person, however different the situation may be,
was a weird enough coincidence to want to make a connection.

i'm sorry for what you went through, and are still going through, regarding
*****. i know how you feel. .....if you need somone to listen, i'll be here."

so that's pretty weird. an email from somebody i don't know, talking about some personal shit. so i replied:

"what a strange email to receive.
is ***** your name? where do you live?
sorry, i just found this email to be quite strange..."

and get this response:

"i understand, i'd feel the same way. just know that i mean no harm, or mind
games, or anything that you may be thinking right now. i'm just writing
because she left an impression on me that i haven't quite been able to shake
off as well. i live in Canada. that's all i'm saying for now."

that's all you're saying for now? what's with the mystery vibe? i'm not down that shit:

"hey, no offense to whoever you are... but this whole contacting me out
of the blue and being all mysterious is just weird, and borderline
creepy. remember, YOU contacted me. i'm not trying to be an asshole,
but i'm sure you can understand how being contacted by a random
stranger, talking to me about personal things, but not telling me who
you are or where you're from... i'm sure you can understand how
strange that is..."

and i get this back:

"no offense is taken. the reason for not giving you ample information about
myself is because i thought i wouldn't hear back from you anyways. i
figured, what's the point in throwing myself out there to someone who most
likely won't want anything to do with me.

i live in Vancouver and my name is indeed *****. i met ***** through friends
a long time ago. we were once close, but drifted."

okay. that's fine. but uh, you went all captain mysterio after i had already emailed you back, so that whole "i thought i wouldn't hear back from you" thing doesn't make sense. anyway, this was just weird. but i guess the internet is a strange place, and it's relatively easy to stumble across other people's sites when googling your ex.

here's a note from my friend simona:



"Hey... I just wanted to know that sometimes I read your blog when you
link to it on Myspace and the posting about "the girl and the dream"
was so moving I almost cried. Seriously -- you are such a good writer
and I hope you continue to pursue that."

thank you. it was a strange dream. it came from a mind that has been feeling strange lately. strange seems to be the word and feeling of the day for me. it can also be a bit strange posting up personal things, but then again, you can hear it all in my songs anyway, so it's not like i'm the type of person to keep anything to myself.

and on that note, a note from my friend jon:



"I was thinking yesterday while I was reading your blog what a cool medium it
is, a midway point between journalling for its own sake and having an
audience for whom it is necessary to engender some polish and structure...."

definitely. i think you hit the nail on the head. it is a midpoint. not totally polished/edited, like a magazine or book would be, but still, even when you're just sort of free-flowing, you are conscious of the fact that it will be read. even if only by a few.

and, finally, an email from jay.



"First of all, I have to let you know that your album was something I needed to hear. It was hard for me to tell whether it was made ten years ago or in the year 2016. OK Cobra is retro, organic, psychedelic, creative, deep, innovative, sarcastic, clever, thought provoking…..and it’s bleeding soul. I was sold after hearing Time Flies….after hearing Child in Rhyme at the end, I realized I should have made that song myself…"

thanks man. that's the best feedback i've gotten so far. most people just say either "it's cool, i like it," or "it's not really my thing." i appreciate the fact that you actually listened to it. thanks man.



some stuff to check out...

last gang records.

kho films.

urbnet records.



lexicon.



if you used to read my column, you might remember me mentioning these cats a few times. super slept-on, these guys are their own genre. forget crunk. forget grime. get slump. here. and here.

oh yes, i can't remember if i wrote this already, but we're working on getting a few remixes together for the new pressing of the ok cobra album. anybody interested in laying down a remix, shoot me an email and i can send you links to the files you need. i've got a couple already and they're dope as shit.



i think i might go up to toronto a day early and hit up this party on friday.