gimme 5 feet...

i've been trying to get in the habit of writing something on here every day, just to force myself to write. it hasn't happened. i've been in a sort of psychological and emotional coma for the last few weeks. i just keep repeating the same thoughts and feelings over and over and over again and again and again. i can't stop thinking about her. part of my mind keeps attempting to be rational, keeps trying to tell itself that i will be okay, that all i need is time, that eventually, the mornings will be easier, that i won't wake up each day already thinking about her before my eyes open, that the nights will get easier, that i won't lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, which becomes little more than a movie screen on which my mind projects random images of a past that i can't forget, a present that i can't accept, and a future that i refuse to accept can no longer exist. i've written her a million things, told her everything, and i can't expect her to change. i was wrong. i was so wrong. i made all the wrong decisions, for what i thought were the right reasons. stupid, stupid, stupid, me. the other part of my mind doesn't even believe this is happening, believes in everything we used to be, believes that we're still supposed to be those things. this is so hard. the hardest pain i've been through in i don't know how long.

i finally finished my book today. i took about a month longer than it should have, only because my brain simply couldn't focus or concentrate for the last few weeks. i would sit down at my computer to work, and hours would go by, all i would do is re-read her old emails, look at pictures, write a million emails to her i would never send (and a dozen or two i would send), and go outside to smoke every five minutes.

so many friends have been there for me in the last couple of weeks, i sincerely thank you all. without you, i might have died.

a friend (who shall remain anonymous) sent me this email:

"hey ryan:
i want you to know that you've just passed thru a major mental portal
30th birthdays are total mind fucks - and create a paradigm shift in
the way you see the world
and your entire life
mine flipped me the fuck out; i bought my house, quit my job and
fucked like 10 guys the month I turned 30

don't sweat the ex
your timing was off, that's all
no matter how much love and respect is there you can't do anything to
change those fucking timing problems
the cogs of that wheel are deep in the universe, and we're crazy to
think we can change them
and therefore you can't let yourself get too carried away by those
"what ifs"
because they are illusions, created by your mind
and they are like the sirens in old greek myths: they take you away
from your true path and crash you into the rocks

you're gifted and one of the special ones
you're sensitive, and artistic, and can feel more deeply than most
it's really hard work to see that

but you're lucky: all this pain just shows you how much and how
deeply you can feel
other people have no idea: they have 1cm of depth, and you have like
5 feet
remember newton's law of physics?
"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction"
you are eventually feel as chest bursting happy as you feel shitty now
and lucky you; because you're going to be able to feel joy and big
happiness in a way that most others don't

love
-*****"

thanks. yeah, it's hard to think about those things now. hard to remember that happiness is possible. i mean, yeah, you know it's there, and you know from experience that you'll feel it again, but damn, a month of this and i still feel like crap everyday. just going through this endless fog where i can't seem to think or feel anything other than...

you're right thought, i wouldn't trade being able to feel for anything in the world. i feel sorry for those who either aren't able or aren't willing to explore and experience their feelings as deeply as possible, as much as it can drive you crazy.