30...

today is my 30th birthday.

this is most definitely, without question, the worst birthday i've ever had.

i woke up this morning, and didn't even remember it was my birthday for at least an hour.
that has never happened.

this morning i awoke from a dream.
the dream was about her.
if you've read any of my previous dreams,
you know that i often have premonitions in my dreams.
the gods speak to me, often in my sleep.

11 days ago, i had a dream.
about her.
the dream told me about her reality.
it was not until days later when she was able to confirm what my dreams had already revealed.

last night, i had a happy dream about her.

i will not go into detail here, as the dream was very personal.
but it was lovely.
and then i woke up.
and immediately, once i realized i was awake, and realized it was a dream, i wished i could fall back asleep.
i lay in bed for a long time,
replaying the dream, over and over, in my mind.
trying to feel again all the happiness i had felt in my sleep.

of course,
this only served to make myself miserable.
to feel so good in sleep,
then wake up to another in a string of the most painful days of my life.

i put on my clothes and walked to get coffee.
crying uncontrollably.
avoiding people in the street, tears freezing in my eyelashes.

it was only on my walk home,
coffee in hand,
still crying,
that i remembered it was my birthday.

happy birthday to me.
i'm thirty years old.
and this is, without question, the worst birthday of my life.

i was supposed to go to toronto tonight.
i was supposed to perform at the devin the dude show.
i was walking to the bus station to buy my ticket.
i felt sick.
i have not been able to eat in a week.
i have lost, i would guess, 10 or 15 pounds.
i started to feel nauseated.
i was shaking, my legs and arms were trembling.
i began to feel dizzy.
i started to vomit.
i have not - as i said - been able to eat in a week.
i puked nothing but water, coffee, and stomach juices.
i could barely stand up.
i somehow managed to make it home,
where i fell to pieces.

at one point on the walk home,
for a brief couple of seconds,
i somehow managed to be thankful.
i was thankful that i was finally able to feel pure, total, complete, honest, and true love for somebody.

of course, this was immediately followed by the realization that it was too late.

that i had blown every opportunity to save this love.

that i had listened to my mind, instead of my heart.
and when my mind finally quieted enough for me to hear what my heart had been saying all along,
it was too late.

too late.

i am a fool.

and it's my birthday.
i am thirty today.
and again, this is, without question, the worst birthday of my life.

happy birthday to me...