i'm aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive...

i haven't written on here in a while.
i've been going through a bit of a funk i guess.
just the onset of winter, mostly.
it always gets to me.
my mom starts chemo this week.
i'm going to shave my head when she loses her hair.
we had coffee the other day.
she was hiding her fear, but it was in her eyes.
i can't think about it without crying.
i have an appointment with my old doctor on thursday.
i hope i remember to go.
i'm getting a physical... i want him to test me for EVERYTHING.
also, i will ask him for a referral to a psychiatrist.
it's time i asked for help.
i can't do this alone.
i will write again soon, probably...

for now, here's a message i got today from my friend dj frane...



"i hope...

you're living your life like you're really alive. not like you're scared to walk barefoot in the muddy grass of your own PLANET and gaze up at the beautiful/amazing moon behind the amazing fluffy great clouds. i'm aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive. we're alive, ryan. that's all that matters.

-frane"

thanks man. yes, i'm trying to live like i'm alive, but sometimes i'm just not sure what that means. but no, i'm never scared to take off my shoes. ever.

good day everybody,
ryan