audio zombie...

so we did the first half of shooting for my short film yesterday, starting at 6am. i hadn't slept more than an hour, so it was a bit of a zombie film for me. shooting again next saturday. i then went home and slept for 14 hours. heaven.

the jack richardson awards are tonight. i'm nominated, but i'm not going, as i forgot to book it off work. i'd rather make money, to tell you the truth.

other good things happening, but i spent most of my day outside, walking around, drinking coffee and writing lyrics. the new album is going to change your life. okay, maybe not so much, but you will like it.

for now, here are some random photos from like a month ago when we were drunk.

underground hip-hop volume 4...

some good news people...

urbnet records have just released their new compilation album, underground hip-hop vol. 4... and we got our track "child in rhyme" on there. it's available in stores across canada, so, pick it up, pickleheads...

totally...

what a strange evening.

the usual tuesday night at the bar, but it was strange. everybody seemed, i don't know, solemn, or something, myself included. it's been a heavy few days maybe. maybe for everyone, not just me. i went out to my mom's for a couple of days on the weekend. yard work. spring cleaning. digging up dirt and dead grass and loading it onto the compost heap. two days, out in the sun, sore muscles, cracking joints, a bit of color. i hated it. i loved it. i slept for twelve hours one night. god, i must have needed it. my mom's hair is starting to grow back. we were talking a bit about her treatment, her chemo, and how she's tired all the time, can't do any work, sleeps a lot, is groggy. she said it's like she's lost a year of her life. then, she corrected herself, and said no, it's like she's invested a year of her life into getting better, so that she'll be around for a lot longer. i thought that was smart.

i ran into a couple of old friends on the weekend. so much weirdness lately with people. people are getting married. people aren't getting married. people are having kids. people's parents are winning a million dollars in the lottery.

"don't let money change you..."

the rules have changed. i guess inside entertainment liked the shit i did for their grammy issue, so we've been talking about getting me on board to do some regular record reviews, which is cool. i can't say i can't use the extra cash, but the truth is, reviewing some ex-destiny's child singer's new solo album is not something i can really get very excited about. when i was writing my old column, people would send me cds, now they're like "you can come by the office and listen to it." i can't sit in somebody's conference room and listen to some snippet cd and write a review of an album i don't really care about. sure, i could eat the free sandwich, and i can never get enough coffee, but really, i need to hear something a few times before i'm going to voice any sort of an opinion, even if the opinion i'm being asked to give is really a sort of non-opinion. it ain't like it used to be. we'll see how it is.

i almost fainted at work today. fuck, forgot to eat all day. crouched down at a table to talk to a dude i know, and when i stood up and started to walk away, my head got light, and the light got dark. here i am, in the middle of a crowded bar, serving drinks, and i'm standing there with a handful of empty glasses, holding onto the wall, trying not to pass out in front of my customers. luckily, there was an empty chair beside me, i managed to sit in the chair before i fell to the floor. spent a good thirty seconds fighting to stay conscious. i should eat. i'm sure of it. that would have been fucked.

good news? i guess there is some. i talked to emma at mudscout today, and things are moving forward on the book. slowly, but almost surely.

sometimes i hate being bipolar. today was a rollercoaster, and my mind is exhausted. i woke up to a world of pain, then raced through it with my friends coffee and cigarettes. was feeling fucked and low, then got a random phone call to have coffee with an old new friend, and felt great after that conversation. rode a wave of good feeling into work, then proceeded to fall back into a grey blanket of loneliness and apathy. i think i might need the pills. fuck, i don't want to admit it, but sometimes, it's just too much. i'm just scared they'll change me, and despite my self-loathing, i love being me. or, more correctly, i think i've just finally gotten used to being me, and the thought of being somebody else is just frightening.

i don't know how somebody can be so cold. it's baffling.

this bar has never been so quiet.

i wrote some rhymes today, i got to work early, sat at a table, and pulled out my book, and my pen, and wrote. it had been too long. so much going on, throwing myself into so many things... i've got to book my tour, deal with my book, work on magazine shit, figure out the album release, organize my film shoot, get things straight to shoot my video, this that and the other... but no, what i should be doing is saying fuck the world and creating things. but then again, what's the point of making music, or writing a damn book, or filming a movie, if you don't press cds, play shows, get the damn thing published, or edit the footage that's been collecting dust on your bookshelf? find time to do it all, it's the only way. sunshine superman. superlungs my supergirl. jack of all trades. renaissance man. master of the fucking universe. learn how to paint, ryan. blow your own mind, ryan, fuck everyone else's.

"will i ever stop thinking about it? i don't know, i doubt it."

i've got two months to live the last ten years of my life, and two more months to live the next ten.

how can a man whose sole desire is most at odds with his own known destiny ever hope to find the silence in which to make the most noise? can you ever really be heard when you speak in so many different languages?

the hardest part is the darkness,
so indulgent,
massaging my scars and i'm just getting started,
when the mind is cloudy,
the sky is starless,
so i'm holding on for all the damn times that i lost it,
and afterthought,
like adding a slice of lime to a vodka tonic,
or breaking the ice,
when i'm already walking on it,
so close to death,
he called me over,
i froze in my steps,
how can i hold it together when i don't know where it went?
but once you know where you've been,
start growing into your skin,
and i can't do this again,
i could barely do it then,
so burn all the paper,
while i bloody the pens,
i thought about you,
before i ever knew who you were,
and i still don't,
and neither do you,
it's beautiful...

bury the beer, hush the bodies, rap and women...

listening to me and tim's music and watching strippers,
what more could you want from your day?

hush.


bury the bodies (remix) feat. mindbender and vangel.

beer, women & rap.

the last drop...

just got added to a show this friday, in london, at the last drop...



details...

Fri, April 14 - Last Drop

The Infinite Machine - 12:30am - 1:15am
New Phosphene - 11:30pm - 12:15am
Fritz tha Cat (OK Cobra) - 10:30pm - 11:15pm

$5 @ the door / 511 Talbot St

doors open @ 9:00pm

commotion and lack of trust...

i was going to tell you about my dream, but i already told jen about it... so here's what i told her, and what she told me...





"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:21:21 AM)
i had a weird dream last night, just about to blog it...

jen says: (3:21:28 AM)
what was the dream?

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:22:53 AM)
i was working in a bar, talking to a girl...

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:23:06 AM)
somebody says to me "she's really into you, you're leading her on" or something ot that effect

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:23:19 AM)
so i see that she's gone to the washroom

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:23:25 AM)
and i'm waiting for her to come out to talk to her

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:23:29 AM)
and then there's a commotion, a fight

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:23:43 AM)
and the door guys are carrying out this guy who's all fucked up from the fight, knocked out cold

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:23:48 AM)
i help them carry the guy outsidie

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:24:03 AM)
then i'm standing outside the back of thebar, having a smoke, the dude is laying on the ground

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:24:11 AM)
his friend come to pick him up and take him home

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:24:37 AM)
then i look and in the driveway behind the bar, ther'es like a tent set up, and there's a racing team there (car racing team, like, with the racing suits and everything, like a pit crew...)

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:24:51 AM)
somehow, i know that they were involved in thefight, but then they're gone before i can say anything

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:25:12 AM)
then there's another team there, and i say something to them along the lines of "no trouble tonight okay?"

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:25:25 AM)
and they're like "no, we're cool, we're not even coming inside, we're just chilling out here"

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:25:48 AM)
and then i'm walking along this ridge, it's strange, it's like alongside a highway, and there are all these houses, and it's winter, it's slippery

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:26:09 AM)
and i'm thinking to myself about whether or not i want to live here... it's in montreal, and i don't know why i'm all of a sudden in montreal

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:26:22 AM)
and then i'm in an apartment, alone, i'm not sure who's apartment it is

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:26:31 AM)
and then my ex-girlfriend walks in, i guess it's her apartment

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:27:00 AM)
and i guess she's expecting me to be there, like she knew i was coming, like we had planned to talk or something

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:27:10 AM)
but i go to hug her to say hello, and she backs away

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:27:26 AM)
and i'm kind of weirded out by that, and then i sense another person in the apartment

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:27:46 AM)
like, in another room, and she's like "don't go in that room... my sister is visiting, she's sleeping in there"

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:27:50 AM)
but i know she's lying to me

jen says: (3:28:44 AM)
and

"the loneliest punk..." says: (3:28:53 AM)
that's it.

jen says: (3:29:17 AM)
commotion and lack of trust

jen says: (3:29:40 AM)
in the beginning where you're first leading a girl on and at the end where you think you're being lied to

i'm not going home...

it's 4am, and i don't feel like going home yet.

the last month i've barely written to you all, and for that, i apologize my lovelies.
it's not that i don't care about you,
it's just that...
well,
shti's been going on.

we applied for a videofact grant.
we didn't get it.
of course not.
fuck it.
as soon as alexis mails me the power cord for my video camera,
i'll make my own damn music videos for free and put them on the internet.
fuck muchmusic.

i sent my book to the publisher and i haven't heard back from them yet,
so i'm assuming they either think it sucks,
or are just too busy to get back to me.
we'll see.

i got my video footage back,
finally,
from my homies mike and tim in montreal (thanks guys!),
and made copies,
and sent it to my homie mark in toronto.
so hopefully we'll get on top of that and get this damn movie finished...
i should hopefully have a clip to show you soon...
but maybe not.

and the indie label in toronto that said they were going to distribute our album this summer...
well,
i haven't heard back from them for a while,
so i don't know what's going on with that...

so, basically,
maybe this summer i'll have the album out,
and book out,
and documentary out.

maybe not.

i hate being in limbo.
i just want to know.

for those of you who were reading about the hell i was going through in february (newbies can scroll down...),
i'm doing a bit better now,
but shit, it's still ups and downs,
you know?

i think right now,
i'm mourning the loss of my best friend.
in february, i was fucked up about a girl i thought i loved.
shit, maybe i did.
who knows?
now, i find myself sad about losing somebody who i thought i'd be close to forever...
even if we weren't "together,"
i thought we'd be tight...

in january,
i had sent her something in the mail,
before i knew she had moved...
and it finally was "returned to sender" a couple of weeks ago.
it was an unexpected little surprise in my day.
like peeling off a scab,
of a wound that i thought was almost healed,
revealing more raw and bloody flesh.

it's a strange feeling,
when you're close to somebody,
and you feel like,
no matter what happens,
you'll always be close...
maybe in a differnent kind of way,
but still close.

and then shit goes down in a way that you just don't think you can ever quite see through.
and you find out that somebody you thought you knew,
really well,
is a completely different person than you thought they were...
and you feel lied to,
you feel abandoned,
you feel tricked,
hoodwinked,
bamboozled,
and it's almost like,
even though the physical person is still alive,
that they've died...

because the person you knew,
no longer lives.
and maybe,
you wonder,
they might not have ever existed.

it's a bit much at times,
because you find yourself wishing this person was still a part of your life,
but then, again, you realize the person you want to be a part of your life doesn't exist.

and it feels strange,
that somebody who claimed to care about you...
how quickly they can simply erase you from their life,
like you never existed...

and you wonder,
do they think about you ever?
do they wonder how you're doing?
what you're up to?

or are you just another distant memory,
fading into a past that is already mostly forgotten?

and will they become that to you?

and you know that they will.

and it sucks.

and you miss your friend.

livingroom...

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