people are strange...

a couple of funny bar stories from the last few weeks...



about the only i find more hilarious than wannabe thug wiggers are stupid criminals. this story combines both. it's a sunday or monday, so i'm working by myself at the bar. these two wannabes come in. i love it. man, if any of you out there want to become a comedian, just find yourself a couple of white suburban rap thugs to hang out with for a while. they're a goldmine of comedic material. anyway, the bar i work specializes in microbrews and speciality import beers. most of the beers are served in their own specific pint glasses. these two thugs order two pints of erdinger, which is a german wheat beer, served in a beautiful glass, tall and rounded. a couple of minutes later they're gone. i figure they're just outside on the front deck having a cigarette. no big deal. a regular customer comes in from outside and says "i just saw these two guys running down the street with their pints." shit. i run outside, but they're long gone. the thugs have stolen our glasses. i'm pissed. i go back inside. after a while, i remember... oh yeah, the idiot paid for those two beers on his credit card. hey stupid, guess how much those glasses cost? well, we usually sell them to people for five bucks, but the price just went up. how much should i charge? oh, let's say $25 per glass. two glasses. that's $50. on your credit card. idiot. the moral of the story? i should have known something was up from the get go, 'cause first of all, thugs don't drink wheat beer. the secondly, hey idiot, if you're going to steal something from a bar, don't buy something first on your credit card. we can then CHARGE YOU for whatever you steal. i would have sold you those glasses for ten bucks, and now i'm charging you fifty for it. how do you say, WHAT! WHAT! ha ha...



here's my second story. i'm working at the bar. a woman and a man come in for drinks, and it's not that busy, so i'm chatting them up a bit. she's a few years older than me, i'd guess mid-30's, slightly heavier but not unattractive. he's also probably in his mid-30's, and clearly gay. after a few drinks and a little bit of conversation, he leaves, but she stays. she's about 3-4 pints into it now, when she asks me if i'll have a drink with her. at this point the bar is getting a little busier, i politely decline with a "thanks but not right now, maybe later..." and get back to work. a little while goes by, and she's up at the bar. "will you have a drink with me?" "no, i don't feel like a drink now, but thank you." "will you have one later with me?" i reply "perhaps later," not as an invitation to stay around, but simply as a quick way out of the conversation. a little while later she's at the bar again, and leans in to me... "do you have a girlfriend?" now, if i had of been a bit more on my toes, i would have simply answered "yes" to end the thought in her mind. however, i paused for a moment, and then not knowing what to say, i fumbled the ball and said "uh, i don't know," thereby thwarting my own escape. "what am i supposed to do with that?" "uh, i mean, yes, i do, sorry..." too late. damn. i fucked up. she then asks me "what are you doing after work? should i wait for you?" i reply with "no, that's okay, thank you, i'm flattered, but no..." see, the thing is, it's not that she wasn't attractive, or that i wasn't tempted, but the truth of the matter is, i'm really not in the habit of going home with woman who's been drinking all night when i'm stone sober. what kind of man would that make me? it's just not something i'm going to do. many a night i have been out drinking, and gone home with another person out drinking, but the thing is, we're both drinking. it's a mutual mistake. anyway, this woman, now good and drunk, decides now that she hates me. literally ten seconds after i turn down her offer of late-night company, she's making out with some random dude by the fireplace. and every time i walk by with a tray of drinks she leans over and says "i hate you." well, karma be damned, she's got her coat draped over a chair, and at one point i walk by with a bunch of pints, she leans in to say she hates me, knocking over the guy she's making out with, who falls into me, and sends all of the drinks i'm carrying all over her coat. it's covered in beer. i say "is this your coat?" she says "i hate you." no you don't. i'm laughing inside, when i see her and the random guy getting ready to go. as they're walking past the bar on their way to the door, she leans into me and says "if i come back when you close, can we hook up?" jesus. are you serious? you're falling all over yourself drunk, spilling beer on things, making out with some random guy in an attempt to make jealous some other random guy you just met, and you're asking him if you can come back to hang out with him, after you go home with random guy to do god knows what? people are strange...