from the top of the hill...

it's 6am and i'm sitting at the bar. i told you. my new favorite place to write. at this point i'm half asleep and should have left for home long ago, but i'm just procrastinating going out into the cold. i will go soon. i wanted to write to you...

here is an email i received a while ago from my friend jon, who lives in vancouver (for those of you have heard the OK Cobra album... jon is "jon juan," who is featured on the song "juggernauts.")...

(*my replies are in brackets...)
(**the "*****" parts are where i have censored his letter to protect his privacy...)



Hanes,

(shanahan...)

This paragraph is decidedly NOT apologizing for any period of time, whatever
length that period of time might have been, between your email and this
response. NOT apologizing, NOT saying that I have been "running around like
a maniac" or "swamped" because I am neither of those things.

(thank you. no excuses. we are beyond that. LIFE, my friend, that is all...)

But last night I had a dream about you that finally pushed me over the edge
from procrastination to procrastinACTION...

In the dream, you had made a hit record, a true album, with every track a
'piece, and everybody was bumping it all over the place, radio, etc. There
was a crew of teenage kids passing on the street (I think that they had a
ghetto blaster on, like, a radio flyer wagon) and I could hear one of your
tracks popping off...it was so completely your voice, your style, but it was
like a mega-dimensional, perfect version of your style (do you ever
freestyle in dreams and kick the most flawless shit?)...the beat was really
produced wickedly too...it was that instant classic feel that you get from
super good shit, and it was yours...I was super happy for you, and of course
a little jealous.

(ha ha, wicked dream m'man... i am HONOURED that your subsconscious would allow me the opportunity to create a song in your mind that you feel that way about. as for the jealousy, reminds of how i would often feel back in the day during our freestyle sessions... you always were the party starter...)

So, yeah, shit is pretty good here. I just got my first ever car, and love
it (even though I am still waiting to take my license test, and currently
have to have my G-friend with me whenever I drive). The snowboarding season
has started really early, and we've already been up twice, which is wicked
(gnarly!~!!!)...I was waiting hungrily for some other form of all-consuming
fun, (*******************************************) for
some time, and am so glad to have that diversion, and to be finally taking
advantage of what this area has to offer. The sight of the mountains, when
the mist clears all snowy from the upreaching pines, and the crags and
valleys advance into sight and the light, timeless and dynamic at the same
time, actually does cause my breathing to change.

(it's good to hear you're living it man. i miss the mountains. b.c. is beautiful for that. i remember a few years ago, when i lived out there briefly, and was staying at my friend kyle's condo... every morning i'd get a coffee and sit on his balcony and look at the mountains... it's a very different energy, a different way to live...)

I am doing pretty well. Still de-toxifying, and when you said that about
this (proverbial) mountain that I have decided (was forced) to climb, it
couldn't have been truer...my life is simple, and about enjoying and doing
the right thing, and it was a serious feeling of being sidelined for a
really long time. But it is beginning to reveal itself to be something else
now, and I am really grateful for this sense that I am balancing and
strenghtening myself more and more all the time...crazy. The same, but
different.

(the same difference, or a different sameness. it's good to hear man. i have much faith in you brother, and i await the good news from the messengers of the gods, announcing to the world when you have fulfilled your destiny...)

I am finally digging in with the writing, but have to be careful about
over-cerebration, because I get kind of squirly if I think too hard. Just
trusting, making copious entries in my journal, and generally trucking
upward.

(talking again about mountains... it takes 10,000 steps to climb a mountain... not a few leaps and bounds... the best part about realizing how far you have to go, is once you truly realize it, it's only then you can see how far you've really come...)

Congratulations on your breakout dream-record.

(thank you. if it never exists in reality, but only a dream you once had, that's more than enough for me...)

Love,
Jon

thank you,
love,
ryan

PS. I have always thought, and still do, that you have a fearless honesty
that is the mettle of a hero. You are a light to many of us (I know you
will shirk that...I would, and you are right to remain humble), and I think
you should know that not only for that courage but for your tireless
searching I really deeply admire you.

(ps. wow. thank you. yes, i am humbled. from somebody i always respected, and spent many years looking up to, that is a compliment that will not go unfelt. it's good to hear from you jon. i do hope we'll get to talk in person one day soon. my little brother is getting married in vancouver in august, so, if not before, i should see you then...)

(cheers...)

(ryan...)